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Happy Monday, everybody. So you know that family from your old neighborhood? The family that if you got into a fight with one of them, you had to watch your back for the rest of them? The cops are always at their house, they didn’t seem to work at all. You heard they stole stuff. They argued in public. They smelled. They had cars parked on their front lawn and their pictures were on the post office wall more than their high school yearbooks. They thought they were the ****. But you knew that no matter what, like an SNL sketch, it wasn’t going to end well for them or anyone dumb enough to get involved with them. So what happens when that trashy family ends up living at 1600 Pennsylvania?
Yeah, the Biden family makes the Clintons look like the Waltons. So let’s start with the thief in chief, Dad. On Friday, he finally acknowledged his seventh granddaughter, Hunter’s daughter, with London Roberts. This after avoiding her like she was Kamala Harris. For some reason it came in an exclusive statement to People magazine, making it their best scoop since they discovered that lovechild I had with Angela Lansbury. She was a hell of an animal. But here’s what he said to Doocy back in 2019.
PETER DOOCY: Mr. vice president, I’m wondering if you have a comment on this report and court filing out of Arkansas that your son Hunter, just made you a grandfather again?
JOE BIDEN: No, that’s a private matter. I have no comment. Only you would ask that. You’re a good man. Classy.
Classy? Yeah, classy like denying a kid’s existence for four years. Keep in mind, the Bidens put up Christmas stockings for their pets, and not one for this poor little brat. I mean that affectionately. I’m sorry, but the only class Joe knows are the ones he lied about finishing at the top of. Joe’s been stealing other people’s material for so long, Abe Lincoln sent him a cease and desist. You know, Joe’s penchant for plagiarism started at law school where he admitted to lifting entire passages for a term paper. Syracuse Law School punished him by giving him an F and making him retake the class. That’s right. He was left back in law school. I didn’t know that was possible. This would be the law school where Joe says he finished in the top half. But it says he finished 76 out of 85. So apparently he sucks at math, too. It raises the question what kind of dope would finish behind a doofus like Joe?
PICTURE OF KAMALA HARRIS
Back in… unnecessary but why not? It’s Monday. Back in 1988, Joe’s first presidential bid cratered when he claimed his ancestors were so tough, they worked 12-hour days in coal mines, then came up and played football. Turns out they were the ancestors of a different politician, one in Britain and their version of football was something called soccer, a sport Americans leave to children and lady people. I didn’t make the rules. No Bidens ever worked in the coal mines, although once Joe did stay in a basement for three months so maybe that counts. Joe also claimed to have his helicopter forced down by Al-Qaeda, to have been shot at in Iraq and to have been arrested in civil rights demonstrations, including trying to visit Nelson Mandela in jail. To be fair, he did think Mandela was corn pop.
All those claims turned out to be about as genuine as Joe’s teeth. And last week, Dr. Jill Biden’s ex-husband, Bill Stevenson, went public stating that Joe’s brother, Frank, threatened that if Jill didn’t get the house in their divorce, Stevenson would face serious problems. But he hung on to the house and was then hit with tax charges in Delaware, in Delaware! A few months later. This would be the same Frank Biden, who, by the way, has been busted for DUI, driving without a license and for shoplifting DVDs from a Florida video shop. Let me guess, it was Godfather’s one through three. Then, of course, there’s Biden’s other brother, Jim, part of the famous business team of Jim and Hunter. Hunter’s laptop, the filthiest thing since Charlie Sheen’s toilet seat, reveals that Uncle Jim’s always been part of this game.
In 2018 as Hunter’s dealings with a corrupt Chinese oil became public, Uncle Jim was frantically texting Hunter to call him and to help him play out these deals. According to The Washington Post, this Chinese Communist Party-linked oil firm paid Hunter and his uncle nearly $5 million in just over a year. I wonder what Hunter did with all that money.
PICTURE OF HUNTER SMOKING CRACK
I’m sure he invested it wisely in stocks, although according to his laptop pics, this guy had more pipes in his mouth than an Indian chief– Native American. Of course, Uncle Jim and Hunter know about as much about oil as Kat does hammer curls. And Uncle Jim’s daughter, Caroline, is a rising family star. She’s also been arrested for DUI, driving without a license and as well as you guessed it, felony shoplifting here at NYC. Is that kind of now some kind of family tradition? Hey, who’s stealing the Thanksgiving turkey this year, kids? She’s also been arrested for attacking the police and resisting arrest. She looks adorable.
Not to be outdone, Joe Biden’s own daughter, Ashley, has a rap sheet for drug possession and attempting to interfere with cops while they’re making an arrest in a brawl. And then there’s Hunter. This show’s only an hour. So forget about that Chinese oil deal with Uncle Jim or the Burisma deal in which you had another oil company [in] Ukraine, and paid him millions for his non expertise. And forget about the fact that the wife of Moscow’s longtime mayor reportedly sent Hunter’s firm upwards of $100 million over the years. Yeah and Trump’s an agent of Russia. And forget the drugs and the prostitutes. Wow. If I had a nickel every time I said that. But here’s a guy who took up with his dead brother’s ex-wife who he promptly cheated on. He denied fathering a baby he knew was his. And he forced that baby’s mother to accept a few of his crap paintings as child support when John Wayne Gacy’s art was far better. He’s even denied the kid use of his name, which, given his family’s history, may be the one break this kid has gotten. I wonder what Joe thinks.
SKIT VIDEO OF PRESIDENT BIDEN: No, no, no. Look, look, I know about this girl. I just lost track, that’s all. Six, seven. I don’t know much about Hunter’s professional or private life. I mean, I run into him on a golf course every once in a while. That’s about it. But no, no, she’s great. And I hope this kid comes to visit at the White House. I’ll find her a job to do. Uh, you know, if. If I stumble, getting off a plane, maybe she can help out. You know, that’ll be her job. Visiting grandchild. She’ll pick you up off the tarmac.
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